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Carefully Crafted Ideas to Support a Mom in Need

The Best “Thinking of You” Gifts after a Miscarriage and How to Avoid Common Mistakes Following a Loss

There is a reason why pregnancy is referred to as a journey. Like a journey, everyone enters it for different reasons, at different times, and travels their own (somewhat bumpy) paths. And just like each woman, no two are alike and no ending the same. Unfortunately some end sooner than others. No matter the circumstances, a miscarriage is a heart-wrenching ordeal requiring the support rather than the silence of friends and family.

Whether a pregnancy is planned or a complete surprise, a woman’s brain is wired to imagine their new life as a mom the second the test comes up positive. So whether the loss occurs before the first ultrasound or well into the third trimester, it is a loss nonetheless and the grieving process is necessary. You may feel unsure of how to approach such a sensitive issue, what to say, how to act, or what to do. All you know is that you want to help and take the pain away. Follow our dos and don’ts on support through a miscarriage to be sure you are taking the right steps.

How to Show Your Support

Dos:

Acknowledge Their Loss

When a woman experiences the loss of a pregnancy, she feels alone, scared, and a little lost. This news is often met with silence from those who should be saying the most. Maybe you don’t know what to say or think you just shouldn’t say anything at all for fear of making the situation worse. However, the simple act of acknowledging a loss and offering to hear her story can be the difference she needs. Not acknowledging it can make her feel she doesn’t have the right to grieve, making it difficult to take the next step toward moving on.

“The text messages saying, ‘thinking of you’ and people actually acknowledging our loss and asking about it, rather than being too scared to cause upset and staying quiet helped.” - Anonymous

Be Present, Listen, and Let Them Grieve

Believe it or not, you don’t have to come up with the perfect thing to say because to be honest, there is no such thing. It’s as simple as “I’m so sorry” or “I’m here for you if you want to talk”. That’s really all she needs to hear. To know that someone is thinking of her and offering an open invitation to talk when she is ready. Every woman will grieve at their own pace and in their own way but your presence is a universally welcomed symbol of love and support.

Encourage Them to Talk to Other Women Who Have Had Miscarriages

Often when women finally start to talk about the experience of their miscarriage, they discover that others have experienced them too. Although not advised to talk about the commonality of it, between 10 and 20 percent of pregnancies actually end in miscarriages. Having someone to talk to who knows what they are going through can help them see a light at the end of the tunnel and feel more open to discussing it.

Offer Practical Support

Think about a time of grief in your life. I bet your daily routine came to a screeching halt and your self-care was last on your list of priorities. Maybe the laundry and the dishes piled up, a layer of dust settled on your floors, and your stomach rumbled. You may not have asked for it but you would have welcomed the help. A miscarriage not only takes a toll on your emotions but on your body as well. Many women need an operation and some opt to experience a painful medical miscarriage at home. Either way, having the added stress of daily chores removed can ease their discomfort. Consider how you can help, with a simple home-cooked meal or a load of laundry washed, fluffed, and folded.

Send Flowers or a Gift

If you can’t physically be present for a loved one, there are other ways to let them know that you are thinking of them. Send them flowers to brighten up their day or a gift box full of comfort items. Rather than a generic card or lukewarm sentiment, why not send them a gift that nurtures their soul and heals their heart? With a soothing scent, a cozy garment, yummy snacks, and symbolic items, you can help her remember what was and take her first steps toward what could be. The Miscarriage Care and Support Gift Box from Nurtured 9 is the perfect and unique way to show her you care even when you can't be there.

“In such a difficult time, I was so relieved to be able to send something to show my friend I'm thinking of her. And while nothing can treat what she's going through, she said she felt comforted and loved.” - Christina

Don’t Mismanage a Miscarriage

Don’ts:

Avoid Unhelpful Comments/Choose Your Words Wisely

It’s easy to throw out comments like “it wasn’t meant to be”, “at least you were able to get pregnant”, or “it’s so common”, especially when you are nervous about what to say and new to the experience of a miscarriage. These comments, while well intended, are not conducive to the healing process. It’s best to avoid any dismissive or hurtful comments like these.

Avoid Placing Blame

Don’t be quick to offer advice or assign blame. I can assure you, she has racked her brain wondering “what did I do wrong?”. So having a friend tell her that she was working too hard or too stressed out or shouldn’t have been traveling, is both unhelpful and unnecessary.

Don’t Belittle Their Experience

Whether a miscarriage occurs at a couple of weeks gestation or a couple of months, a child has been lost, and a mother has every right to grieve the life they imagined in their own time. The amount of time a pregnancy lasted doesn’t make it any less tragic or significant. Be sympathetic and empathetic to every experience.

“It’s your road and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you” - Rumi

When a friend or a family member is experiencing the trauma of a miscarriage, the one thing she needs most is support. When you can’t be physically present, simply make it known that you are thinking of her. Consider all of your options to make that clear. With a text, a phone call, a helpful visit, or a thoughtful package, you can be that crucial step in her road to recovery, both mind and body. It is her journey, but she doesn’t have to walk it alone.

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